Anxiety, Control, and Uncertainty: Finding Peace When Life Feels Out of Hand
If you’ve ever found yourself trying to control everything — from how clean your kitchen is, to what your partner is doing, to every little detail of your own behavior — you’re not alone. Anxiety often shows up as a deep need for control. But here’s the hard truth: the things we most want to control are often the very things we can’t.
As an Anxiety Therapist in Berkeley, I often hear from clients who feel like their life has become one long, exhausting effort to manage the unmanageable. The more they try to control, the more overwhelmed they feel. And instead of creating safety, this cycle of control can actually deepen anxiety.
Let’s talk about why this happens, how anxiety and control are connected, and strategies to help you sit with the unknown so you can find some peace.
Why Anxiety and Control Go Hand in Hand
Anxiety thrives on uncertainty. When we don’t know what’s going to happen, our brains try to fix the problem by taking action — any action. Control becomes the way we cope.
For example:
Your environment: You might feel calmer when the house is spotless because it gives the illusion that life is under control.
Your relationships: You might try to manage what your partner, child, or friend does — not because you want to control them, but because their choices feel tied to your own sense of safety.
Your own behavior: Maybe you second-guess everything you say or do, trying to make sure you “get it right” so nothing bad happens.
The problem? Many of the things we try to control — other people’s feelings, the future, the outcome of situations — are simply outside of our reach. That energy gets misplaced, and instead of feeling calmer, anxiety grows.
The Cost of Control
At first, control can feel protective. But over time, it takes a toll.
Burnout: Constantly managing everything is exhausting.
Strained relationships: Loved ones may feel micromanaged or misunderstood.
Lost presence: When you’re focused on controlling the future, you miss the present moment.
Increased anxiety: Ironically, the more we try to control, the more we notice just how much is beyond our control.
It’s like holding water in your hands — the tighter you grip, the more it slips through.
The Role of Uncertainty in Anxiety
Uncertainty is uncomfortable. Our brains are wired to prefer predictability — it helps us feel safe. But life is full of unknowns, from small daily uncertainties to big life transitions.
For teens, this can be especially overwhelming. If you’re a parent, you may see your child’s anxiety show up as rigid routines or controlling behaviors. That’s why I also support families through Teen Therapy in Berkeley and Parent Counseling, helping both teens and parents find healthier ways to cope with uncertainty.
Strategies to Loosen Anxiety’s Grip on Control
The good news? You don’t have to eliminate anxiety (or the unknown) to feel better. You just need tools to handle it differently.
1. Notice the urge to control
The first step is awareness. Pay attention to moments when you feel the need to step in, fix, or manage. Ask yourself:
What am I really afraid will happen?
Is this something I can realistically control?
Simply naming the fear can take away some of its power.
2. Practice tolerating discomfort
Learning to sit with uncertainty is like building a muscle. Start small. For example, resist the urge to re-check an email before sending, or let someone else load the dishwasher their way. Notice the anxiety that comes up, breathe through it, and remind yourself: “I can handle this.”
3. Ground yourself in the present
Anxiety pulls us into the “what ifs.” Grounding techniques bring you back to now. Try:
5-4-3-2-1 exercise: Name 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste.
Box breathing: Inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4.
Mindful activity: Wash dishes, walk, or sip tea slowly, noticing every sensation.
4. Shift focus to what you can control
Instead of wasting energy on the uncontrollable, ask: What is within my control right now?
You can control your self-care.
You can control setting boundaries.
You can control reaching out for support.
This shift helps you reclaim your energy and use it where it matters most.
5. Get curious instead of certain
When anxiety demands answers, practice curiosity. Instead of, “What if everything goes wrong?” try, “I wonder how this might turn out?” Shifting into curiosity opens space for flexibility and less pressure.
6. Seek support
Sometimes, trying to let go of control on your own feels impossible. That’s where therapy comes in. Working with an Anxiety Therapist in Berkeley gives you a safe place to explore your fears, practice new coping skills, and find relief from the exhausting cycle of control.
How Therapy Can Help with Anxiety and Control
In our work together, you don’t have to pretend you’re okay with uncertainty. We’ll explore where control shows up in your life, how it’s tied to anxiety, and practical tools for loosening its grip.
Whether you’re an adult struggling with the weight of perfectionism, a teen learning to navigate the unknown, or a parent worried about your child, therapy offers a space to breathe again. Together, we can help you:
Understand the roots of your anxiety.
Learn healthy ways to tolerate uncertainty.
Strengthen resilience so you feel less thrown by life’s curveballs.
Reconnect with joy, presence, and peace.
Final Thoughts
You don’t have to control everything to feel safe. In fact, the path to peace often begins by loosening your grip and learning that you can handle the unknown, one step at a time.
If you’re tired of anxiety running the show and are ready to feel lighter, calmer, and more in control of yourself (not the world around you), therapy can help.
Start Your Journey Toward Peace Today
If you’re looking for an Anxiety Therapist in Berkeley who understands how exhausting it is to constantly try to control the uncontrollable, I’d love to support you. Together, we can find ways to calm your nervous system, sit with uncertainty, and free up energy for the life you want to live.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation today — let’s take the first step toward peace.
Therapist in Berkeley - Author Bio
Robyn Ganeles, LMFT, is a therapist in Berkeley specializing in anxiety, infertility, parenting, and adolescent mental health. With over 15 years of experience, she combines evidence-based practices with a warm, relational approach to help clients feel understood and empowered. Robyn is also a clinical supervisor at Seneca Family of Agencies and has presented at regional and national conferences on parenting, trauma, and school-based mental health. She holds an MA in Counseling Psychology (USF), an MFA from Yale, and a BA from UC Berkeley.