Why Parents Have to Change the Rules as Kids Grow, and Why It’s So Hard – Thoughts from a Teen Therapist in Berkeley
By Robyn Ganeles, LMFT
Parenting Has to Change as Kids Grow, Even When That Feels Uncomfortable
If you are parenting a child or teen right now, you may already feel it. What used to work no longer does. The limits you set, the expectations you hold, and the way you communicate all seem to land differently than they did before. Many parents worry that if they loosen control, things will fall apart. Others worry that if they do not step in more, their child will struggle or fail.
As a teen anxiety therapist in Berkeley, I often work with families who feel stuck in this exact tension. They care deeply. They are paying attention. They just aren’t sure how to adjust their parenting as their child’s developmental need for independence increases. When parents and kids get out of sync developmentally, anxiety often increases on both sides.
If you are noticing rising anxiety, conflict, or shutdown in your teen, this is often less about something being wrong and more about a parenting system that needs to evolve. You can learn more about therapy support for teens here: https://www.robynganelesmft.com/teen-therapist-berkeley.
Independence Is a Developmental Need, Not a Personality Trait
Many parents assume independence is something kids either want or do not want. In reality, independence is a developmental task that unfolds in stages. Children are wired to push for more autonomy as their brains mature, even when they don’t yet have the skills to manage that freedom well.
When limits, expectations, and communication styles do not shift alongside this growth, kids often experience anxiety. They may feel trapped, misunderstood, or constantly corrected. Parents, on the other hand, may feel disrespected, ignored, or shut out.
Anxiety often shows up not because parents are doing something wrong, but because the structure has not kept pace with the child’s development.
How Parenting Needs to Shift Across Developmental Stages
The core parenting task remains the same at every age: to provide safety, connection, and guidance. What changes is how those goals are achieved. Below is a broad framework I often share in parent counseling to help families realign.
In early childhood, limits are external and firm, communication is simple and repetitive, and independence is supported through small choices.
In late childhood, expectations expand, explanations matter more, and independence grows through skill-building and shared problem-solving.
In early adolescence, limits need flexibility, communication must allow for disagreement, and independence includes decision-making with adult guidance.
In later adolescence, expectations shift toward responsibility rather than compliance, communication becomes more collaborative, and independence includes real-world consequences with emotional support.
This is not about removing structure. It’s about changing the form of structure so it supports growth rather than restricting it. The guidance in this framework is general and may require adaptation depending on the unique needs and values of each child and family.
Why Anxiety Often Spikes When Parenting Does Not Shift
When kids feel over-controlled at an age where they are wired for independence, anxiety often shows up as irritability, avoidance, or emotional shutdown. When parents feel out of control, anxiety often shows up as micromanaging, over-explaining, or escalating consequences.
Neither response is wrong. Both are signals that the system needs adjusting.
As an anxiety therapist in Berkeley, I often help families identify where anxiety is being maintained by well-intentioned patterns that no longer fit developmentally.
Communication Has to Mature Alongside Independence
One of the biggest shifts parents struggle with is communication. Talking to a teen the same way you talked to them at eight often leads to power struggles or silence.
As kids grow, communication needs to move from directive to collaborative. This does not mean parents give up authority. It means they share it in age-appropriate ways.
Teens need space to disagree, make mistakes, and feel heard without immediately being corrected. When communication stays rigid, teens often stop talking altogether, which increases anxiety and distance.
Letting Go Without Disappearing
Many parents worry that supporting independence means becoming hands-off or emotionally distant. In reality, teens need present, regulated adults more than ever. What they don’t need is constant oversight that communicates a lack of trust.
Healthy independence looks like parents staying emotionally available while stepping back from control. This balance is difficult, especially when anxiety is present, but it is learnable.
This is often a central focus in parent counseling. You can read more about support for parents here: https://www.robynganelesmft.com/parent-therapy-berkeley.
When to Get Support as a Parent or Family
If your household feels stuck in cycles of anxiety, conflict, or withdrawal, it may be time for support. Therapy is not about blaming parents or fixing kids. It’s about helping families realign with developmental needs to reduce anxiety on all sides.
Working with a teen anxiety therapist in Berkeley can help you understand what your child’s behavior is communicating and how to adjust your parenting in ways that support both independence and connection.
Final Thoughts for Parents Feeling Unsure
If you are questioning your limits, expectations, or communication style, that doesn’t mean you are failing. It usually means your child is growing.
Parenting is not about finding the perfect approach and sticking with it forever. It is about adapting, learning, and staying connected through change. With the right support, these transitions can become opportunities for growth rather than sources of constant stress.
Are You a Parent Seeking Support for Yourself or for your Teen?
If you’d like to learn more about how I can support your teen and family, click the button below to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation today. You can also learn more at www.robynganelesmft.com.
Therapist in Berkeley - Author Bio
Robyn Ganeles, LMFT, is a therapist in Berkeley specializing in anxiety, infertility, parenting, and adolescent mental health. With over 15 years of experience, she combines evidence-based practices with a warm, relational approach to help clients feel understood and empowered. Robyn is also a clinical supervisor at Seneca Family of Agencies and has presented at regional and national conferences on parenting, trauma, and school-based mental health. She holds an MA in Counseling Psychology (USF), an MFA from Yale, and a BA from UC Berkeley.